Analyzing Draft Day Analysis

If I was at the NFL draft this year, I would be Jon Gruden. We both love football. We love the players. And we both hate Steve Young.

Any time the Hall of Fame quarterback opened his mouth tonight, Gruden was there with a squinty eyed grimace. He stares at Young like a newborn stares at a fresh batch of celery – he’s not quite sure what it is, but he hates it.

Young was two and a half minutes deep into a schpeal about how Brett Favre should retire. Undoubtedly, he had practiced this schpeal into his mirror every night while he brushed his teeth. “Steve Young is 40, but Steve Young knows when to quit!” He was pointing emphatically with his fingers.

"...the fuck is Steve Young?

All of a sudden his rabidly pointing hand is pulled off screen by Gruden, who yells over Young, “Brett had a QB rating of 107 this year. I think the Vikings are going to want him back.”

Steve Young could not have looked more surprised if Gruden had slapped him in the face. Or said Mrs. Young was a slut. Or called him a bitch. “The Vikings are going to want him back. Bitch.” I’m pretty sure Tom Jackson started giggling.

Gruden is like a frat guy that wandered into a nerd convention for the free beer. He likes what they’ve got going; he just doesn’t know what the hell they’re talking about. After a fade in from commercial, you see Gruden showing Mel Kiper a picture text that has Kiper falling out of his chair. Gruden is still mic’ed up when he tells Kiper: “…a big ass.” He might as well have a Solo cup in one hand.

The entire first round tonight has been a highlight film of awkward moments amid ESPN’s top NFL analysts. All of them look normal, yet their comments are always insane. Jon Gruden says what everyone at home is thinking, yet he always looks insane.

Tim Tebow was selected in the 1st round when many analysts thought he’d slip into the 2nd or later. The CriesMan is handing out Broncos hats to his entire family, hugging friends, getting his back slapped. Meanwhile on his television, every analyst on ESPN is talking about how bad he sucks. Kiper literally said, “I think Tim is a great guy, but realistically I do not see him being a good NFL quarterback in the short term. Or long term.” Everyone at the round table agreed. Tebow stared at his TV and scratched his chin – not unlike just before his eyes watered the turf of the SEC championship game this year.

Maybe the pick was crazy, but we’re talking about a guy that circumcises non-believers in his free time. Now he’s finally hit the big time, and no one is excited for him. No one but Jonny Gruden. He again yells over whoever is talking: “This is a great pick. [Bronco’s Head Coach] McDaniels wants guys with great integrity, great work ethic, and he just got all that with Tebow.” He then squints at each nerd analyst at the table individually until they hang their heads in shame.

Maybe Gruden is so much better at commentating because he actually spends time with the players. If you haven’t seen them yet, check out his pre-draft drills with Tebow, Colt McCoy, Jimmy Clausen, and Sam Bradford. He dogs each player until they undoubtedly have the pit stains of their lives – and he isn’t even in football anymore! Why should they fear him? The videos make me long for the pre-Kiffin days at UT when his name was linked to the job opening here. (His wife was a cheerleader here. Or had lunch here one time in 1995. I forget which.)

Meanwhile, ESPN still pays Mel Kiper and Tom Jackson’s salary. Kiper’s job is to analyze the draft. The average American analyzes the draft about 20 minutes before it starts. Kiper spends all year on it, and somehow managed to plot out how Ryan Leaf was going to be a better quarterback than Peyton Manning.  No one really remembers when or if Tom Jackson ever played NFL ball. He keeps showing up every Sunday though, so they go ahead and let him speak. He yawned deeply tonight during the middle of another Steve Young analysis, as though he wasn’t being broadcast on national television.

Jon Gruden was squinting.

Past to the Future

“Oh, my allergies.” Imagine me saying that with a Northern accent. That pretty much sums up how my morning has been so far.

But hey, this isn’t about me; it’s about you guys. What should we talk about?

Moffitt told me the most emo thing I’ve ever heard in my life history the other day. He said, “Clay, the past is never as good as you remember, and the future will never be as awesome as you think it will.” Somebody has a case of the Mondays. Or the depressions. Maybe I should talk to him more.

I can’t agree that the future will always suck, but the past thing – maybe there’s something to that. When I was 7 years old, Willow was the greatest movie of all time. I rented it on Netflix the other day, and – well, let’s just say I’d rather have Val Kilmer kick me in the nuts than sit through those 2 hours again.

What other movies have I vowed to never watch again since the Willow incident? It’s bloggin’ time!

– Thunder in Paradise rocked my early-90s world when it hit the bigscreen. And by bigscreen I mean the one in my living room at Rustic Way. This gem stars Hulk Hogan as a Navy SEAL, piloting an awesome-ass boat called “Thunder”. It’s so awesome that it can go fast. Like, really fast. Faster than your boat. Pretty sure it has rockets on it, too. There’s a really dramatic scene near the end where Hurricane (Hulk’s name in the movie) has to save some babe by holding his breath underwater for a few minutes to find their way out of a cave. Why does he want out of that cave so bad? Probably to kick some ass.

– Sidekicks was the movie that made Chuck Norris famous – to elementary school kids everywhere. The first scene of this movie is a junior high kid daydreaming about fighting ninjas alongside Chuck Norris. Oh, if I had a penny for everytime that happened to me in junior high – or this week. Somehow, this movie ends with the same kid in a Karate Kid-esque karate tournament, and guess who shows up? The kid and Norris come within inches of kissing in the final scene, and I’m pretty sure Norris carries him out of the tournament An Officer and a Gentlemen style.

– The Garbage Pail Kids is a spoof on those creepy dolls people used to have. The Cabbage Patch Kids were a big hit back in the 80s for no apparent reason – much like all other things in the 80s. Those people freaked out over the discovery of a synthesizer (see any CD made in the 80s). Anyway, the first time I watched this movie may have also been a time when I had a hot fudge cake in my 6-year-old hands, so the details are hazy. The Kids end up crashing a party by breaking wind a lot. No one is concerned about the fact that these dolls live, eat, breath, and live in dumpsters – as much as they are that the dolls are passing a lot of gas.

What a day this has become.

Which is scarier: Hulk Hogan or thunder?

This Again?

I’ve started a blog before. It didn’t work out. I woke up this morning and, inspired by my coffee laiden buzz, read Ross Moffitt’s blog on this same website. A series of chain-reactions insued that lead me to create this brand spanking new blog-o-mine. (Also, if you get anything from this blog, read Moffitt’s blog sometime.)

Who am I? Why should you read this? These are reasonable questions to ask. I’m currently on the last dregs of my college career in Knoxville, Tennessee. I’m sitting on a porch at a popular house in Knoxville surrounded by my ole mates from high school. There’s Moffitt himself sitting to my left. To my right is ole Nick and Mike and some girls I might describe as acquaintances. I’m wearing a shirt that’s been on my back for the last 2 days. I’ve already stolen a bar-b-que sandwich from within the house and downed a delicious light beer faster than you can say “Miller Time”.

In other words, I’m living the dream. Come along with me, if you will.